COVID: Part II

I have COVID again. Saturday night I felt kind of stuffy. Sunday morning I woke up with sore ears and throat, a stuffy nose, a dry cough, aches, and GI problems.

I googled: Omicron symptoms. I had all the symptoms. I took an at-home test. It came back positive.

Almost everyone asks, "Where did you get it?"

I went to Ola Brew for Trivia last Tuesday night, so I'm guessing that's where I got it. Numbers are spiking on our island right now. I wear a KN95 all day at work and in stores, so my guess is I got it at Ola Brew.

Monday morning I went to the ER to get the monoclonal antibodies. When I had COVID in July 2020, that treatment was not in existence. I've always wondered if it would have helped my long COVID symptoms.

I expected the ER staff to be frazzled. Our ER has been hit hard. I expected them to be annoyed that I was there using their time and resources when I wasn't even that sick. But, they are the only place you can get the antibodies, so I went anyway.

The security guard did not recoil from me when I told him why I was visiting the ER. He appeared totally unfazed as he checked my bag for weapons and scanned me with a metal detector. The receptionist smiled and waved at me so warmly I almost cried with relief. It was the kindest greeting I have ever received at a doctor's office. Everyone was kind and professional. If they were annoyed with me, they didn't show it. I felt very well cared for. I got my antibody treatment and came home to rest.

When I stood up out of my hospital gurney, my back tweaked. I have a history of back problems, so I am used to my back going out over nothing. I gritted my teeth and shuffled to my car. I left looking worse than I when I arrived.

I can't say whether the antibody treatment has helped. I have been getting a little better each day. I still feel achey, but the upper respiratory symptoms are gone. No more cough or stuffy nose. My ears still hurt, but my ears have hurt since I got sick 18 months ago.

According to Google, Omicron is relatively mild if you are vaccinated and boostered. I am. Theoretically, I probably have some natural immunity. So, I'm not sure which factor contributes to my recovery.

My back hurts really bad. If I weren't under quarantine, I'd go to the chiropractor. Yes, I am lightly stretching. However, historically stretching doesn't help me if I'm out of alignment. Even in the age of Tiktok, I've never been able to adjust my own back, unfortunately. I am taking OTC pain meds and some prescription pain meds from my last flare up. I am alternating ice and heat. I have a tens unit. I have a foam roller. I have lidocaine patches, arthritis cream, DoTerra cream, and icy hot. I have dealt chronic back pain (due to a birth defect) since 1995, so I have literally tried everything but surgery.

According to Google, omicron causes back pain. I sincerely hope this isn't an omicron thing. I hope this is my regular back pain that will eventually go away. If this persists, I will be devastated. If you've ever dealt with back pain then you know. If your back hurts...everything else hurts worse. But, I truly believe this is just me, not the COVID. Next week I will go to the chiropractor and get cranked and be better in a few weeks.

Being sick for so long has given me an astute awareness of my body. I pay attention to how I'm feeling, so I can prevent a migraine or a stomach ache. On Sunday night, I actually felt pretty mentally clear. I wondered if my immune system was giving my brain a boost. I hoped my body would rewire it's own broken connections.

My worst long COVID symptom is brain fog. For me that means, I get lost in the middle of my thoughts. I start a sentence, and I can't remember what I was saying. Or, my boss will ask me a simple question. I understand the question, but my mind is blank.

Yes, I know this happens to everyone, and it happened to me too before I had COVID. Before it was occasional. This is constant. For example, I just bumped my keypad wrong and deleted the paragraph I had written, and I have no idea what I wrote. This is a chromebook, so there isn't an "undo" button. That wouldn't have happened to me before. I would have been annoyed, but I would have simply rewritten the exact same thing I just wrote. Now, I can't even remember what I just wrote.

It's like when you wake up in the morning, and you have one of those days where everything is off. Things that should be easy are hard, but you swear and slog through it, and the next day you're fine. I've been having that bad day for 18 months.

Everything is hard: communicating, cleaning, packing my bag for work, working, simple math, concentrating, reading, finding things, following directions, remembering something someone said, making decisions, and driving (I often end up in the wrong spot). Even my gross motor is off. I have to talk myself through walking up stairs.

The only exception is a few days after my Moderna booster, I felt NORMAL. Everything was easy, and I could truly appreciate how sick I'd been. I was so happy. I felt compassion for myself. I realized I had been too hard on myself. I looked forward to my life returning to normal. Then it went away.

I feel like a ditz all the time. I miss my old brain. I miss being smart. I miss being funny. I miss being quick witted. I miss waking up happy. I miss having a comeback for everything and swallowing some of them to keep from being a loudmouth.

Since it is so embarrassing, frustrating, and sad to lose my place in conversation, I have stopped talking. Even when I want to engage in a conversation, I'm afraid of losing the thread. So, I a lot of times, I stay quiet. (Some of you are probably saying, "Thank God.")

Even worse, my boss will ask me a simple question about unemployment, and my mind will go blank. I'll search and search for the answer that I know is in there. I get tired. I feel overwhelmed and panicked, so I swallow my pride and say, "I should know this, but I don't." In truth, I couldn't answer her even if I knew, because I'm not licensed to practice in Hawaii. But for pete's sake, I practiced unemployment law for 14 years. In spring of 2020, I was doing unemployment work every day. That type of thing shouldn't go away, even if you don't use it. I still remember some things I've never used from law school, but I can't remember something I should know from 2 years ago? It makes me afraid that my strain of COVID caused early onset alzheimer's.

One of the things this pandemic has taught me is that communication is a skill. Like any other, it needs to be practiced or it will regress. I know some of my communication problems are due to lack of practice. My face-to-face conversation is harder than a phone conversation, for example. I feel more pressure to "perform."

When the short circuits happen, I tell myself to breathe. I tell myself, "it's fine, it's not a big deal, you're ok." But I still feel panicked and extremely frustrated. It makes me feel sad every time, because I know it's "not right." I feel afraid that I will never get better. I hear Average A's voice, "You're so negative." I feel like there's something wrong me, because I can't just "be positive." Then, I tell Average A's voice, "Go fuck yourself."

I told one of the doctor's I dog-sit for that I miss being smart. She said, "It's not gone. It's still in there somewhere." I had just met her, so I held back my tears. It was an incredibly kind and hopeful statement.

I hope it's still there. Just in case it's not, I am trying to practice acceptance. If this is forever, can I be thankful for my amazing mind that I took for granted? Now that it's gone, I can truly appreciate how smart I was. I feel sad for all the times I doubted myself and thought I was stupid. I wasn't. I am so lucky that thinking was easy. That it was fun. That my brain was one of my best qualities. I have to accept that I have other good qualities even though I'm not smart anymore. I have to accept that I'm still smart, even though I'm not as smart as I once was. Maybe then it won't hurt so much when people say, "You seem fine."

Acceptance is a new thing for me. Grief is not a straight line. I spend a lot of time in denial and anger. Denial is a pretty natural state of existence for me, but I don't like feeling angry. I don't know if I also have to accept the anger stage and stay there for awhile. Probably.

I am trying to let go of everything I thought I knew that I can no longer remember. Maybe it was total bullshit anyway. I am trying to accept that things happen for a reason. I am trying to believe that this will one day be a redemptive part of my story. That I can turn something bad into something good.

For today, I am in Hawaii. Thank God for Hawaii. It is sunny and 77. There is a light breeze and no mosquitoes. From my lanai, I can see a calico koi fish swimming below. Across the pond, the birds of paradise and ginger are blooming. I can see ducks swimming at Wailoa. My sister, nephew, and brother-in-law are just up the street. I have a crush on a boy who writes who met me outside yesterday to walk six feet away from me. Just like last time, I have friends calling and texting every day to check on me. My coworkers have all offered to deliver groceries. I feel incredibly lucky and loved. Covid or no, today is a good day. Back pain or no, today is a good day. Smart or less smart, today is a good day. I am thankful to have the capacity today to find the joy in the small, ordinary (and extraordinary) things all around me. There have been days when I haven't. For today, I will appreciate the beauty around me and hold on to it as long as I can.